Good Grief, 2017!
Last week I previewed the films of 2017 that I was looking forward to most, but this week just for equal opportunity's sake, let's discuss some of the movies that are most likely not appearing on anyone's upcoming list. And, much as I did last year in a similar post, let me predict what each movie is gonna be like. You can check for my accuracy on predictions by checking out last year's post HERE. So let's get started!
THE BYE BYE MAN
Unlike last year, every single movie not only has a poster and a full fledged synopsis to glean info from, but also a trailer. So it's certainly a little easier to make predictions this go-around (whereas last year I had nothing to work with for Nine Lives, Mother's Day, Sausage Party and Ouija 2, just to name a few.) Posters and trailers for The Bye Bye Man have been around for awhile and promise viewers an incredibly generic horror film to start the year off as usual. EMILY PREDICTIONS: This film will get a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes, an IMDb rating of 5.3 and an Emily rating of 5/10. Everyone in the film will die, and there will be parallels to "slender man" all throughout.
Yes, I understand that this is a pretty easy target to pick on...but I can't help it that every time I see the trailer for this movie I squirm quite a bit. It might have some audience appeal (read: boys under 10 years old,) but it ain't for me. EMILY PREDICTIONS: Much fun will be had with the lad and his monster, but eventually he'll set his friend free to hang with all the other weird monsters in a magical paradise. This film will get a 23% on Rotten Tomatoes, an IMDb rating of 4.8 and if I did ever see it...an Emily rating of 4/10.
A DOG'S PURPOSE
Every time I see this trailer, I can't quite comprehend that this movie exists. How is it that Hollywood execs heard this pitch and thought "Yes! Let us invest millions of dollars in this idea. Bring this movie to life!!" The only thing left to say is that I feel really bad for Dennis Quaid that his career has sunk so low. EMILY PREDICTIONS: A dog gets reincarnated and learns how much everyone loves dogs! I don't really know what more there is to predict honestly. A Rotten Tomatoes Rating of: 34%, IMDb score of 5.9 and Emily Rating of 2/10.
THE SPACE BETWEEN US
The worst thing about this stupid movie being delayed is that it meant I would have to suffer through its trailer continuing to be shown in movies for two more months. At this point, I feel like I can quote it, and that's really not a good thing. EMILY PREDICTIONS: This whole thing is pretty much shown in its trailer, but the boy comes to Earth, falls for the girl, gets sick so they get married and the only solution is for him to return to Mars. So she leaves her life behind on earth to join him. RT rating of 18% and IMDb of 6.4. Emily Rating of 5.
FIFTY SHADES DARKER
I'll be honest, I'm mostly not looking forward to this one because of the inevitable debates it creates on my Facebook feed between the fans and the anti-fifty shades folk going off on how empowering it is versus how wrong it is and how it's going to destroy the world. Sure it's a garbage movie, but giving it the power that some give it is just plain silly to me. EMILY PREDICTIONS: It's not really worth it to guess the plot when it's based on a book right? Therefore I'll stick to the predictions on its reception. Rotten Tomatoes will give it a 51% and IMDb will give it a 4.5 Emily won't see it to rate it most likely!
Have you noticed a recurring theme yet to these entries? Almost every single one mentions how I hate the trailer for the movie, and this entry is no different. The first time I saw the trailer for Boss Baby I found myself literally cringing the entire time. The titular character just screams ripoff of Stewie from Family Guy, which itself isn't the most original show. Watering it down further doesn't seem like a great idea. EMILY PREDICTIONS: The baby is foiled and learns the beauty of family. RT score of 41% and IMDb of 6.0. Emily will not see this movie under any circumstance....but if she did... probably a 2.5/10.
SMURF'S THE LOST VILLAGE
Why is another one of these films being made? Has anyone ever liked any of these movies? Were they that successful that another film was warranted? WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN? Okay okay I'm being a tad bit dramatic. But seriously. I don't understand how these are still getting made. EMILY PREDICTIONS: Okay... I'm not sure plot predictions really matter in a movie like this... but they find a village of women so that the Smurfs don't all have to lust after the same one woman in their tribe. Rotten Tomatoes rating of 12% and IMDb of 4.9. Emily Rating of.... I really don't want to see this but maybe if I did a 3?
Unlike every other entry on this list where I bemoaned the trailer, I have to say the trailer for Unforgettable is actually a freaking hoot. And by this I mean, this is the one movie on the list that looks like it might actually fit in the category of "so bad it's good." EMILY PREDICTION: Again, after that trailer pretty much shows the whole movie there's not much to predict. But we'll say that Katherine Heigl ends up dead...just like her career. RT rating of 8% and IMDb rating of 3.9. Emily Rating of 5/10.
TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT
The first Transformers was silly fun. The second was loud noise. And I refused to watch the third and fourth because I didn't want to waste my time. Unsurprisingly, I feel the same about the fifth entry to the franchise. I just hope it really is the LAST knight. Something tells me it won't be. EMILY PREDICTIONS: Again, does plot matter here? The Transformers will be brought back. They'll fight. They'll defeat their enemies. The end. RT rating of 11% and IMDb rating of 5.7. Emily isn't gonna bother seeing it to rate it.
The trailer for Power Rangers looks like the far less cool version of Chronicle. And honestly there's not much more I have to say besides that. EMILY PREDICTIONS: The plot plays out like Chronicle where some teens discover they have super powers. But someone gets wind of their power and they have to stop the threat. Basically any origin movie ever made. In particular I get the feeling that this will be this year's Fantastic Four reboot. RT RATING OF 27% and IMDb rating of 6.1. Emily Rating of 5.0. Well that'sit for this list. Was I too harsh? Let me know, and stay tuned for my 2016 wrap up lists coming so very soon....and my Sundance preview!