If you feel like you've been seeing trailers for Jupiter Ascending for over a year now, it's because you have. Originally this movie was supposed to come out as a part of the summer lineup in 2014 but was pushed back and buried in the second worst movie month of the year: February. As soon as I saw it... it was more than evident why. Though it looked like it could easily be a flop on the sillier side, I had no idea how truly preposterous it could be. The Wachowski's have had a checkered past; bursting onto the scene with The Matrix they blew audiences and critics away...but their subsequent efforts, including their two sequels to The Matrix haven't been able to match their initial success. I can't speak for Cloud Atlas since I never saw it, but as far as Speed Racer goes I always felt it was a fun underrated, wrongly hated flick! Because of this, there was a part of me that thought it could somehow be plausible that Jupiter Ascending could maybe be fun despite all that weighed against it... but there's no way I could be prepared for what awaited me in that theater.
This movie is epically bad. It doesn't just miss the mark... it misses the mark spectacularly. Jupiter Ascending is all about Jupiter Jones, played by the always likable Mila Kunis. She discovers that she is actually the heir to the world because an alien man with half wolf DNA in the form of Channing Tatum told her so. She proceeds to fall constantly from large heights and be caught by him all movie long which constitutes a steamy angsty romance (that basically consists of Mila constantly coming onto him and him being too aloof.) I really can't tell you more of the plot than that because it's best to be surprised at the absurd levels that this gets to. There's a part of you that admires how bold the Wachowski's decided to go... and the universe they attempted to create, but that doesn't stop you from laughing at the stupidity of it all. In fact, my laughter was so constant that I laughed myself into quite the headache by the end of the movie. It was incredibly reminiscent of the utterly ridiculous Winter's Tale, the ambitious failure that came out this time last year (and an easily qualifier for my last years Top Ten Worst.)
One of the few good things about the film would be the pretty cool costumes though.
What makes it so bad? Honestly, it's hard because I don't want to ruin the surprise for people who just love those so bad they're good movies. But.. everything. Really everything. The trailer makers did a great job of choosing the most useable bits to advertize because the stuff you didn't see in the trailers is all pretty laughable. Some of the ways that the alien creatures interact with the human characters in particular usually got a chuckle out of me. There's a scene used for laughs involving a maxi-pad that's awfully classy. And then of course there's Eddie Redmayne's performance. It's the stuff of legends. Actually it's the Norbit type material that could swing the momentum in Michael Keaton's favor. Mila Kunis recently made an appearance in the remake dud Annie as a starlet in a really stupid movie... that fictitious movie looked equally as fake as this real movie she headlines. Honestly, that ridiculous fake mermaid movie could probably be taken more seriously. Bottom line, this movie shoots for the stars and absolutely falls flat on its face. EMILY RATING: 3/10