1.08.2015

Top Ten WORST OF 2014

My apologies readers. I WAS planning to get the underrated films of 2014 out before this one to counterbalance the judgment of the unwatchables list. Unfortunately, I just haven't been able to finish that list quite yet. That said... I can't have you waiting for a list that IS already done even if I didn't want to post it yet. So I guess I'll continue on my hater streak and finally tell you about the worst movies I saw in 2014.

10. ENDLESS LOVE

Riddle me this. What do you get when you take every romantic movie cliche possible and mix it with two charmless actors? The answer: Endless Love. This movie desperately wants to join the Nicholas Sparks club of sappy predictable romances (we'll get to him next..) but somehow manages to be more boring and forgettable. Most likely because EVERYTHING is by the numbers

9. THE BEST OF ME

Speaking of good ol' Nicholas Sparks... the man has done it again. Somehow his movies went from being annoying and formulaic to downright preposterous. The last three, in particular, all managed to confound me in the absurdity of certain twists. This time? Let's just say with The Best of Me ol Nick must have been watching Return to Me and pondering to himself how he could make it more depressing. Also, it mUST be said... the guy they got to play the young James Marsden looks NOTHING like him. It's an insult to his likeness. Like really. 

Really. In WHAT universe does this guy grow up to be James Marsden?? They look nothing alike.

8. A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST

This is the first of two films on the list that I admittedly fell asleep in. Is it really fair to put it on this list? From what I DID watch I say yes. When I saw the trailer I remember thinking this was a funny concept. Back in the old west people's mortality was far more fragile and the ways in which this is evident are plenty. Unfortunately, that is basically the only joke this film has to offer. It's basically like a stand-up comedian's set on one joke about people dying in the old west stretched out to a full-length movie. And a movie with one solitary joke isn't very funny.

7. I FRANKENSTEIN

Here's the other movie I might not be fully qualified to judge. But you see.. this time I almost FORCED myself to fall asleep to escape from the drudgery that this movie offered. But while I was awake I couldn't believe the stupidity I was witnessing on film. Aaron Eckhart, you're better than this. In this case, though I asked my viewing companion if I was right to judge the film so harshly once I finally woke up and she confirmed my suspicion.. so I stand by its ranking. Below enjoy some of
Amelia's witticisms while I slumbered.



6. OUIJA

Original review HERE. Ouija... you're the kind of crap that makes people look down on the horror genre. Look, I'll admit that there was a part of me that I enjoyed this film for the "so bad its good component." I mean it's definitely an unintentional comedy but yeah... I've seen Are You Afraid of the Dark episodes that were scarier than this film. 

5. HERCULES

What do I REALLY remember about this film? Seeing it in the Drive-in with Amelia where she actively live tweeted it.. but I was so bored I ended up looking at my phone for the majority of the time and then taking a long trip to the snack bar. Sooo boring and un-engaging! Even my tweets were pretty boring.



4. THE LEGEND OF HERCULES

Now to the Hercules film this year I actually DO remember. (And on that note thanks Hollywood for feeling the need to tell this story twice and not giving us anything good either time.) This one though was absolutely the more ridiculous of the two. I mean that scene with Zeus impregnating Hercules' mom alone made it a sure lock for this list. Like Ouija, this movie was unintentionally hilarious.

3. 3 DAYS TO KILL

Original review HERE. When Courtney and I saw this we were in utter disbelief at how asinine this film was. The tone of it is ALL over the place, but my favorite thing had to be the dubbing of new dialogue over a shot of people clearly saying the old dialogue. I couldn't believe that this film made it to the theater in its condition. Like the trend of other films on the list, I can't say I wasn't entertained... just not in the way the movie wanted me to be entertained.

2. WINTER'S TALE

Original review HERE. This movie is epically bad. It's almost mesmerizing how this movie takes its giant leaps and fails in such spectacular fashion. Years down the line, college courses will be offered dissecting this film's fascinating awfulness. I'll never forget that this film introduced one of the most ridiculous causes of death I've ever seen put to film [SPOILER HIGHLIGHT TO READ] death by Colin Farrell sex. [/END SPOILER]

1. TIE: LEFT BEHIND

This Nicolas Cage film about the rapture may, in fact, be the WORST movie I've ever seen. And no that isn't hyperbole or a phrase I say flippantly. Unfortunately, he doesn't give the same level of hamminess to this role  as in The Wicker Man, (I'm sad to report that here, Cage kinda phones it in...) but the movie itself?? Oh gosh. Even crazier. At first it seems lame but innocent enough.. and THEN... everything changes. And the film cannot return. You can pinpoint the moment where it all goes to pot and it's fabulous. But the worst of all, its portrayal of religion might be the worst I've ever seen. Especially for a film that is trying to promote Christianity. Instead, it does quite the opposite.

1. TIE: MALEFICENT
No Maleficent, I won't keep quiet about how bad your movie sucks.

So what could tie with perhaps the WORST movie I've ever seen? Only my favorite movie to rant about all year. Yes, Left Behind is inarguably the worse film by default... this movie was undoubtedly the film I hated the very most in 2014. This movie does a huge disservice to the film it was inspired by and basically takes a giant crap all over that classic movie's legacy. Instead, mindless little kids from here on out will think of Maleficent as a wronged hero instead of the awesome villain that she was. I wish I could put a curse upon all the firstborn babies of everyone who made this movie. Original review that rants even better on the subject can be found HERE

The whole movie's purpose is summed up below:

4 comments:

Sarah said...

Ha ha ha! Very entertaining list. Is it wrong that this made me want to watch most of these movies though? I could use a good laugh!

Sariah Masterson said...

This was great and it's true, while I loved Maleficent - that was a strange twist and a genius money maker. Confession - I loved Dwayne Johnson's Hercules. It's true, the story wasn't amaaazing, but I think I'm just in love with Dwayne.

Barbara Newson said...

I did like Maleficent. It's the only movie on the list that I spent time on.

Johanna said...

I was going to say proudly that I had never seen any of these, but then I saw the Kevin Costner one On Demand, I think. It was a peripheral watch, so I'm not really counting it. And I did see Left Behind. I did. I admit it. It did make me wonder doctrinally..... :) I know you don't want to go there.