12.28.2014

The Unwatchables of 2014

Well, friends. We only have a few more days left of 2014. As has become customary for me this time of year, I have spent the last few weeks pondering the good, the bad and the ugly the year had to offer in terms of film. I found that while I was able to compile a list of ten horrible films below that I'm glad I didn't see in 2014, truth be told there are at least a couple on this list that I'm not COMPLETELY opposed to seeing. Unlike years before where I could in good faith say I was vehemently opposed to the creation of these films, there are some on this list that on a night where I had nothing to do, I most likely would succumb to watching. So with that in mind... these might not be as completely unwatchable as usual, but these ten are films that have appeared on many people's worst lists...I just haven't had the displeasure to tell you how awful I think they are.. yet.

TOP TEN UNWATCHABLE FILMS OF 2014:

10. LET'S BE COPS



So this is one I actually did want to see. After all, I love New Girl (shut up haters)...so how bad could a movie starring Coach and Nick be really?? Well that was before it scored an 18% on Rotten Tomatoes and my pal Kent described his experience like this "I couldn’t bring myself to leave the theater, but I can’t tell you how much I wanted to lay down and sleep on the Dr. Pepper soaked floor."  Now one RT reviewer sums up my new feelings on it: "Would be a fine Redbox pick if your top three choices are out." Maybe my top 5-6 choices are out.

9. THAT AWKWARD MOMENT



This might end up being another backup Redbox choice as well... but I know if I ever do watch it, the likelihood is that it will not be a good experience. Indication #1 is that it was released last January which the casual moviegoer might not realize is usually the dumping grounds for Hollywood to release the stuff they have NO confidence in. Indication #2? It scored a desirable 23% on Rotten Tomatoes. My favorite blurb from RT? "The real awkward moment is when you realize you aren't laughing."

8. MEN, WOMEN & CHILDREN



Realllllly sad to be putting this one on here because honestly and truthfully I REALLY wanted to see this and love it. It had a fantastic trailer after all (darn those trailer makers!) And then the reviews came where reviewer after reviewer made mention to how melodramatic, depressing this film is. That it paints the worst possible picture possible of humanity. Look, the world we're living in isn't perfect.. but sometimes we need to see that there's SOME glimmer of hope instead of making us all feel like horrible people. A real shame since I really liked what Jason Reitman did with Thank You For Smoking, Juno, and Up in the Air. But Labor Day, (and Young Adult to an extent) and now this? You, sir, are in a rut. Too bad. It would have been nice for Adam Sandler to have some success in a more serious role.

7. PLANES: FIRE & RESCUE



Last year my unwatchables list included Planes a ripoff of the worst Pixar movie intended to be set in the same universe...this time focused on Planes instead of Cars. Disney loved me and everyone else so much (or their money at least) they churned out a sequel /spin-off only a year later. Thanks, Disney. We can all count on your desire to make money and run a franchise into the ground. Sigh. 

6. SEX TAPE



Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel had so much fun making the meh Bad Teacher they decided to reunite again and up the raunch factor. Hmm, what could they do? Make a movie about making a sex tape of course. It's at 18% on RT and one reviewer said "As with most leaked sex videos, Sex Tape is more embarrassing to those involved than memorable to those who watch it. And the quicker it'‍s forgotten, the better for everyone."

5. THE EXPENDABLES 3



Maybe when I'm in my 50's or 60's or have lost my taste in movies, I'll have a desire to watch a collection of aging action stars. Just zero desire to watch this or any of the films in the series.

4. TAMMY



So far, Melissa McCarthy seems to have a pretty hit and miss big screen record. She was great in Bridesmaids and The Heat and HORRIBLE in the incredibly unfunny Identity Thief. Unfortunately, Tammy looks like it follows in the steps of the latter. Tammy is the first film on the list to have a pretty dismal IMDb score in addition to a rotten score on RT. On IMDb it's so awful it's in the 4's with a 4.8. On Rotten Tomatoes, it has a 24%. So yeah I have no doubt this is in the same league as Identity Thief.

3. THE SINGLE MOM'S CLUB



There is one name that can keep me from seeing almost ANY movie. And that name is Tyler Perry. (That exception will be made when I finally get around to seeing Gone Girl.) But the IMDb crowd confirms this movie is a waste of time with a 4.7 rating. Critic Christy Lemire described it as "basically served as a cautionary tale to conservative mothers who dared to leave the house and have a little fun" Yikes.

2. DUMB & DUMBER TO



Look. I'm a huge fan of the original. But when I saw the trailer for the new one I was absolutely appalled. While I still have a soft spot for the first film, my tastes have matured in the twenty years since it came out... but the Farrelly Brother's humor is still the same. The problem with that is it's outdated and not what audiences are looking for anymore. Not a good sign when Jennifer Lawrence asks for her cameo to be cut from your movie.

1. TRANSFORMERS 4: AGE OF EXTINCTION



When. Will. This. Franchise. Die???? Ugh. People. Please. Stop. Seeing. These. Movies. Does anyone even like them anymore? I've heard nothing but awful things about this movie and I can't say I'm surprised. I don't need to see this movie to know how loud it is. I still have a headache from Transformers 2. Rotten Tomatoes only validates my opinion with an 18%. When critics claim it's the worst of the Transformers series and it makes them long for Shia LaBeouf you KNOW that's a problem. But but but...it had transformer dinosaurs in it.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: RIDE ALONG, LEGENDS OF OZ, RAGE, THE NUT JOB, A HAUNTED HOUSE 2, NEED FOR SPEED, INTO THE STORM

So do you agree, disagree? Any of these films you watched that you can personally vouch for?  Or validate that I was right for including them? Oh and just to prove that I'm not a totally blind follower of Rotten Tomato ratings look for a list later this week of the underrated films of 2014 that were undeserving of their poor reviews.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

We put Legends of Oz on for the boys the other day (it is new on Netflix). It was pretty awful. First of all, it didn't do the much needed job of calming my kids down. They kind of watched about 30 minutes of it. The parts I paid attention to were terrible. Very few kids are down to watch a CGI version of a wannabe Broadway musical.

Johanna said...

I haven't even heard of most of these.

And I will never go see a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was never a favorite actor before, not even really passable to me. And I'm not one to usually let an artists personal life interrupt my ability to enjoy their art. But this is one case where I really can't bring myself to want to watch his stuff.