2.19.2014

Single and Ready to Mingle

Last night I watched Casablanca in order to help me out because I'm working on the KING of all lists: my top 100 list. Whilst watching the film I hadn't seen in a GOOD long while, I kept having the thought: ehhh Ilsa is kind of lame (even if she is gorgeous.) Rick is the king of cool and he definitely made the right decision as far as she's concerned...which made me ponder the creation of another list. Here are a list of ten (give or take) characters who were better off being single. Whether they were funnier/more awesome alone or their love interests plain sucked these characters should just be solo (at least for awhile.) Also fair warning: I may be speaking in spoilers as to their relationship status in the films/shows these characters are a part of.

RICK BLAINE (CASABLANCA) - Seriously Humphrey Bogart is unbelievably cool in this role. As I watched I felt the true relationship to root for was between Rick and his loyal piano playing Sam. He was a true friend trying to prevent that disastrous Ilsa from stomping all over his friends' heart again. Haha okay she's not that bad once you know her whole side, but by making the incredibly hard decision he does by letting her go in the end (or rather MAKING her go) he becomes the best version of himself he can be and a true hero.  If he stayed with her it would have been incredibly selfish and even he has the foresight to know that one day she'd regret it. Maybe not today....maybe not tomorrow. But soon.

BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN (THE DARK KNIGHT TRILOGY) - With girlfriends like Rachel Dawes, who needs enemies? Seriously she's the absolute WORST. She complains about everything and lectures you when you're only trying to save the whole beeping city. She's completely self-righteous and through it all was STILL going to pick another guy over freaking BATMAN. Sorry Bruce, we need to have an intervention. Just because she acts too good for you, it is really the opposite. Have some self-respect man! Catwoman is really only slightly better since she has been known to betray you and all....but at least she's not Rachel. The best thing that ever happened in that series was when the Joker blew her to smithereens.

JULIANNE POTTER (MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING) - To show you how long I've been analyzing movies, I remember once in elementary school some kids saying that they were sad Julia Roberts' Julianne didn't end up with Michael in My Best Friends Wedding. I told them I was glad she didn't end up with him because, after all, the stunts she pulled....she didn't deserve him. Well done wise elementary school Emily, my opinion has not changed much since. Now that I'm older though, I'm not quite sure anyone deserved him because he certainly has his faults too. What everyone needs to do in this movie is take some "them" time (haha or "me" time...) and figure themselves out...who they are and what they really want out of life. Probably none of them would end up with each other. But even if that didn't happen for Michael and Kimmy, I'm glad that Julianne gets that ending...

DOCTOR EMMETT BROWN (BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY) - Clara Clayton is the worst. Oh, wait I just said that Rachel Dawes was didn't I? Well, no matter....Clara is pretty annoying too. She just barges right into one of the best bromances of all time (again my apologies for leaving them off my last list...) and takes Doc away from Marty. Plus I'm sorry but a train time machine isn't NEARLY as cool as a DeLorean one no matter what they try to tell me. Clara doesn't make Doc the best Doc he can be. Sure she makes him happy....but happiness is fleeting. Ditch her Emmett. Ditch her and your 1800's kids. They're just pure lame.

RHETT BUTLER & SCARLETT O'HARA (GONE WITH THE WIND) - These two! Rhett is better off without a woman that doesn't appreciate or see his worth....and luckily he realizes it in the end. And Scarlett? Whenever she's single she seems to thrive and become fiercely independent and as strong as she can be. Maybe this last time of having to rely on herself she'll become the woman Rhett needs? Nah probably not. That ship has sailed and he's probably better off. Her loss. But now she can do her best to make herself a better person.

PADME AMIDALA (STAR WARS) - It pains me to say this as I actually.....gulp... like her and Anakin (yes I may be one of the few people on this earth willing to admit that...) but um, if she hadn't married the guy she would still be alive. She'd be the hottest thing on the market. 30 flirty and thriving. Who wouldn't want to be with this beautiful senator who has her stuff all together?? Now she's just mourned by gungans on Naboo. But hey at least she was able to give birth to the twins that would later make everything right again...after countless deaths throughout the galaxy (including that of entire planets) and everyone being forced to live under an evil dictator for a couple decades. You think that your poor taste in men only affects you, how wrong you are.

LIZ LEMON - The defining spinster of our generation. Yes, she found happiness in the end but the girl was funnier on her own. MUCH funnier. Plus James Marsden and Tina Fey has to be one of the weirdest couplings I can think of. I know we should root for her to get her happy ending and all....but we all know her true love on the show was always food so it's a shame that James Marsden had to come between them.

MICHAEL SCOTT/RON SWANSON (THE OFFICE/PARKS & RECREATION) - Again what's with all these writers thinking we NEED to see every character get a happy ending? Some characters are just better single. The two bosses of these Greg Daniels' comedies come to mind. Michael and Jan were funny....until they completely ruined Jan's character over it. So then they just create a softer, female version of Michael and expect that everyone will think they're the new Jim and Pam of the show. Sorry...I could NEVER root for Michael to get the girl the way I rooted for Jim. They aren't the same and Holly was lame. I think I'm even more bugged if that's possible about Ron Swanson getting married in the latest season of Parks. It's just boring. He's so much better being independent of any long term relationship. He's a lone wolf....why change him? I guess it comes with the fact I prefer the Seinfeld approach to comedy and keeping characters the same. Who wants growth and personal development? Not me. Keep 'em funny, please.

INDIANA JONES - Were any of his love interests EVER cool enough for Doctor Jones? Let's examine the three. First you have Marion who can be kind of a brat, but is independent and savvy enough. She's probably his best match, but let's be honest here she's not like Princess Leia cool in terms of matching up with her beau. If she was, she'd be in every movie right? Instead they replaced her with Kate Capshaw, and later a Nazi chick. Kate Capshaw was also annoying...but in a comical whiny way. Though I don't hate the character...I don't feel that she was a particularly good match for Indy, and they'd certainly never last. And the Nazi chick? Well for starters she's a nazi, so that might not work....and she slept with your dad. Gross.

IRIS SIMPKINS (THE HOLIDAY) - Poor Iris. She's in love with a major d-bag named Jasper, so she goes on holiday to try to forget him. Who should she rebound with but Jack Black??? Um really? Cameron Diaz gets the hunky Jude Law and she's stuck with Jack Black? Okay truth be told I love Jack Black (how many times can I say his name?) but leading man material? Yes I don't doubt that he could make you adore him...but might I point out that the two are completely lacking in chemistry? That might not be so bad if it wasn't in the same movie as the other storyline which ABOUNDS in chemistry. Heck she even has more chemistry with the old man she befriends! Maybe she should have just married him so she could inherit his fortune. It just makes you feel kind of bad for Iris and make you think "maybe you should just give it more time girl..."

JOSH (BIG) - Of any relationship NOT working out on the list I'm glad it's this creepy one. The whole time this "romance" goes on you get this creepy statutory rape vibe from the two and you want to scream out "He's a 13 year old don't kiss him!!! And don't let him touch your..." Eep. Unfortunately you can't unsee the stuff here. So YES Josh should be single because he's freaking BARELY A TEENAGER. Let him you know...go through puberty and enjoy his life before all of that please.


HONORABLE MENTIONS: Eliza Doolittle, Luke Skywalker (best to stay single when your only romantic option is related to you...) Lydia Deetz, Ben Stiller's character from the Heartbreak Kid.

Did I miss anyone??

2 comments:

Sarah said...

Great, GREAT list! I'm glad James Marsden finally got the girl even if it made her less funny. :)

I don't agree with you on Gone With the Wind though. Rhett and Scarlett are the perfect match. They belong together. They are just so often at cross purposes and they have so many close misses it drives you crazy. For instance, after Scarlett is delirious following the miscarriage, she is CLEARLY calling out for Rhett. Mammy comes to her and says, "What is it? What do you need?" Argh! Now, if Mammy had just called Rhett to Scarlett's side, he would have realized that HE was the one she loved, not Ashley and all would be well. That is an ending I have rewritten in my mind, thank you. Besides, Rhett did his fair share of stupid things too. They just needed a little forgiveness on both sides.

Oh, and you forgot the movie that inspired us to start rewriting endings. Doris Day and Frank Sinatra from Young at Heart. She should have either ended up with Gig Young, or stayed single. Frank Sinatra is such a cad in that movie!

Johanna said...

You know I wanted Liz Lemon to end up with Wesley Snipes! I never bought the James Marsden thing. She just did that because as the writer she could. Kind of like when Barbra Streisand put herself with well, everybody. Meow.

Right on with all of them, especially Scarlett. However, she thrived, but was it because he was behind her all the way. Will she do as well without him in the wings? Oh, for sequels that should have been done while the character creator was alive.

Okay, Michael Bluth should stay single and just raise George Michael. In fact, everyone in the Bluth family should stay single hoping the genetics end in a generation. :)

Doris Day in Pillow Talk should have kept her cool apartment and really great wardrobe and went on great dates. Don't ever fall for thinking you can settle down a womanizer...even if it is Rock Hudson, who really wasn't a womanizer at all.

My favorite...the Heiress. What strength, what elegance at the end. What power. She would never have gained that being married to Morris.

And for the couples who wouldn't make it...Baby and Johnny ? from Dirty Dancing. She's 16 for goodness sake. Who finds their soul mate at 16? And who can ever seriously settle down with someone named Baby. Won't work when she's 40+.