3 Days to Absurdity

Once upon a time (two days ago to be exact..) I went to a movie screening expecting the most generic and geriatric action movie about a retired CIA agent being called back into duty, and what I got in return is a completely different animal. When I sat through the opening credits I saw that McG was directing...so I lowered my expectations a bit. I'm not as much of a McG hater as most, but This Means War was borderline awful....if not a guilty pleasure, and it kind of seems to be a well-known fact that he's somewhat of a ruiner. Early on you can tell that this film doesn't quite know what it wants to be...but eventually it goes to the EXTREME on every side it most possibly can. Do you want the truth? This movie has everything in it that you could possibly ever think of. Touching father-daughter drama, car chases, a woman giving birth to a baby, violent kills; this movie is all over the place, in a PREPOSTEROUS way. My friends, I'm ready to declare it the NEW Wicker Man.

To be honest, I can't even believe my luck that this was back to back with Winter's Tale in my theater screenings....where both times I was trying SO hard to suppress a laugh or stifle a "WHAT. THE." face. I had even less luck here as a few times I just couldn't control the giggles. This movie is so bizarre...and not in the fantastical way Winter's Tale was. I honestly don't even know how to describe it...just that these filmmakers threw everything at the kitchen sink and hope it worked. My friends it did not work. I only wish somehow Nicolas Cage could have had a supporting role to put the icing on the cake.  The action film, important life drama, dark comedy....whatever it's trying to be was certainly entertaining in the way that watching a train wreck might be.

Some highlights: (SPOILERS included below)

  • Amber Heard's scenery chewing performance and the music that accompanies her every time she's on the screen. She may be the one thing in this movie that makes it so jarring.
  • The fact that I counted 3 times that the editor LITERALLY dubbed dialogue over someone's mouth saying something else. As an editor, I was appalled. Did you really think we wouldn't notice??
  • Kevin Costner's estranged wife of 5 years that takes him back with open arms and pretends that nothing ever happened between the two and constantly tells him that she loves him. Um...he left you! 
  • Hailee Steinfeld as the bratty bi-polar daughter who hates our hero one moment and then adores him the next.
  • Kevin Costner's delightful ringtone his daughter gave herself on his phone that always rings at the most embarrassing moments. They don't overuse this joke (/sarcasm.)
  • Kevin Costner's witty retorts to villains and henchmen. "You're all a bunch of turds!!" He said it. He really said it.
  • Hey, at least it was set in Paris. I feel sorry for Paris.
  • One word: Christmas
EMILY RATING: 2/10. See this if you're big on unintentional laughs.


Sarah said...

Ha ha ha! Your post made me laugh. I will have to watch this one with Jeremiah to get some more laughs out of it.

Joey said...

Yeah, but I might take Kevin Costner back. That's believable to me.