1.07.2014

Top Ten WORST of 2013

Now that I've given you my 2014 preview and my 2013 unwatchables list...it is time to reveal the ten worst movies I saw last year. For some reason or other, I had the misfortune to watch these movies, and I must bestow a warning to others that they might not suffer the same fate.

10. TIE: WHITE HOUSE DOWN and A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD. Original review HERE. These two films have several things in common: both are loud, stupid action movies, both should never have been made and sadly both are unflattering imitations of the original Die Hard. Actually to be more accurate concerning the 5th Die Hard movie would be to say that it does not resemble any single aspect of the original movie at all; it is so far removed that you would never recognize that the character Bruce Willis is supposed to be playing is the same clever every man he was in the 1980's. The only good thing I can say is I enjoyed that the guy who played his son actually looked like he could be his son. But the father/son issues and cheesy dialogue? Yawn. As for White House Down? Well I certainly can't deny it was pretty freaking entertaining (a part of me even loved it...) But it was probably the most preposterous movie I've seen all year.

9. THE INTERNSHIP. Original review HERE. Recently I caught a trailer for this on one of my DVD's and realized that every funny moment in this movie was shown in its trailer. Basically, you can compact the entirety of worthwhile moments in this film to approximately 2-3 minutes. So yes I admit it had a few clever moments, but far too much was embarrassingly bad and predictably cliche. The bad far outweighed the good.

8. SNITCH. I'll be honest. I don't really remember this movie so much as I remember exchanging looks with one of my friends during the movie (probably once every two minutes) with constant disbelief at this movie's complete ridiculousness. Dwayne Johnson, I expect this from, but Susan Sarandon? I thought you were better than this. I suppose if I could make a lot of money by phoning in my work I'd do it too...

7. THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE. Original review HERE. How did a cast with such great comic potential turn out this dud?? Besides playing an everyman, Steve Carrell is also really good at playing a jerk. But Burt Wonderstone? Not a character you find yourself wanting to root for EVER. Plus how do you waste Steve Buscemi and Alan Arkin?? This movie was just so completely stale...it felt like it should have been made ten years ago.


6. SAFE HAVEN - Original review HERE. After how unintentionally entertaining The Lucky One was, I have to be honest and say I was pretty upset this film wasn't more awful. But hey, it's still a Nicholas Sparks film and thus plenty deserving to make an appearance on this list. But hey at least it finally made some HIMYM fans happy. SPOILER ALERT (Robin is the mother! See what I did there?) Also I said it in my original review, but I'll say it again: methinks ol Nicky boy was watching some Charlie St. Cloud for some inspiration on this one.


5. THE HOST - This is the first work that Stephanie Meyer was involved in that I had ever seen/read....and I gotta say it was (much like a Nicholas Sparks movie) very unintentionally hilarious. Saoirse Ronan is usually a very capable actress, but her inner dialogue had me in stitches. Basically, this movie was a very juvenile teenage girl's fantasy; the equivalent of reading my former self's diary. Sometimes (/all the time) thoughts of a teenage girl shouldn't be broadcast for the world to hear....it only makes everyone dumber.


4. UPSIDE DOWN - When I first saw the trailer for this movie I was incredibly excited. The premise seemed really cool and from the looks of it, the movie was a visual feast. Somehow the movie slipped in and out of theaters and I had to finally track it down on DVD to watch it. Surely this indie film just had the misfortune of no one having faith that it would do well.. but would find an understanding audience on DVD. Someone like me. But then I watched it....and oh what a tedious experience that was. This movie breaks you down until suddenly you just. don't. care. Your soul screams out "END THIS TRIPE GARBAGE ALREADY" A true shame for this had all the makings to be something great. Simply stated: interesting premise, horrible execution.


3. GIRL MOST LIKELY - This, like Upside Down, starts decently enough, then slowly drives its audience insane. It's like the film just imploded on itself. Someone started a draft of a decent quirky indie film...and then suddenly had NO idea how to place their characters in a functioning PLOT. It just wanders and meanders until you're numb in the brain. Why is this story going on still? What knowledge does this have to offer humanity? Why does this exist?? It's just pointless. I never thought I'd say this, but Kristen Wiig charm can only take a movie so far.


2. HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS - These top four movies, in particular, have something in common. Each one of them made me want to die a little bit when I was watching them. I know I say that a lot...but with these four movies this is very much the case. They were nearly unwatchable and I almost turned every single one of them off (in hindsight, I probably just should have...but then I'd have no movies for this list!) This one is one of the worst offenders because this COULD have been so much fun if it didn't take itself so seriously. I like both Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton...but together they lacked anything resembling charisma. This is probably due to the fact that they both knew they were in a stinker, but if only they had been having fun perhaps the audience might have had some fun too.

And finally....my #1 most hated film of 2013 was:



1. IDENTITY THIEF - I happen to really enjoy both Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy, so I figured this movie would be a mindless, fun comedy. What I didn't anticipate is how truly PAINFUL this movie was. That and nonsensical. It's so dumb it makes your head hurt, and when it doesn't hurt you're in pain at how truly unlikable these characters are. I certainly didn't care what happened to them. There was one point in this movie where I truly thought I was in a nightmare. How could this thing get any worse? And suddenly it manages to find a way to top the awfulness. This is the one movie that I ABSOLUTELY wanted to turn off but had no control over the remote control. Trust me though, I buried my head in some blankets and listened in pain to the disgrace of a conclusion. Oh, the humanity.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: GRUDGE MATCH, GANGSTER SQUAD, NOW YOU SEE ME, ADMISSION.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

Lucky for me, I haven't seen a single one of these! :) Thanks for the warnings. It's too bad about the Die Hard movies. The first movie is just so great. Why couldn't they have just left the story alone and ended it at that point?

Joey said...

Bruce Willis forgot to go out on a high note! I saw The Girl Most Likely. Never have I been begging for a movie to end, but I kept thinking redemption would come. It did not. Same with ID Thief. Just Bad!