Top Ten Unwatchables of 2013

I'm almost done with my WORST of 2013 list, but there is a couple I (actually) want to see first to make sure that list is as accurate as possible. But this list is the ones that I'm sure WOULD be on there....I just can't stomach the thought of suffering through viewing them. These films I won't touch with a ten-foot pole. I dub them: THE UNWATCHABLES.

10. Planes - Let's take Pixar's worst films Cars and Cars 2 then make the exact same movie just about different vehicles. Oh and then take Pixar out of the equation...and you basically have an unapologetic and blatant ripoff. Next up no doubt will be Disney's Boats. Oh, but don't worry the lead character is voiced by the very unfunny Dane Cook.

9. 47 Ronin - Keanu Reeves is back!! Wait...who has been awaiting his return? That's right no one. Haha okay, that's pretty harsh...I don't really have a problem with the guy, but this trailer looked awful. And Reeves? He looked all wrong for the part. I'm not quite sure WHO could save that garbled mess....but it sure as heck ain't him.

8. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor - I know a certain friend who would be ALL about watching this. And hey mayyyyybe on the right day if I was in a silly mood I'd watch it and laugh. But the nail in the coffin that will probably prevent that from ever happening? The fact that Kim Kardashian is listed high up in the film's credits as a supporting "actress." The fact that it got a 16% on RT and a 4.4 on IMDb also should be good enough reason to stay away.

7. Machete Kills - The trailers, t.v. spots and advertising for this film were basically all preposterous. For me, a good general rule of thumb is to stay away from any movie that my brother Nephi pretends to be interested in and this was one of them!

6. The Smurfs 2 - As if a first horrible movie wasn't enough, here comes a horrible sequel! Neil Patrick Harris...you're better than this. (Right?) I guess the bright side is it takes place in Paris? (Actually I feel bad for Paris having to be associated with this..) And don't ask me why those smurfs aren't blue...

5. A Madea Christmas - I've made no secret of my disdain for Tyler Perry and his Madea creation (or should I say concoction...) somehow the addition of the character being set at Christmas makes it only sound a million times more awful.

4. Getaway - Selena Gomez in an action film with Ethan Hawke.... Um... who... what....why...who...? WHO!! Who thought this was a good idea and greenlit this movie? Who? Every time I think about it...I have no words. Ethan Hawke I KNOW you're better than this (I've seen the Before films so come on!) Getaway Stayaway indeed.

3. Scary Movie 5 - How many people do you know who have been clamoring to see an onscreen pairing of Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen? Luckily I believe their roles are both cameos...but if this is the comedic brilliance this film has to offer, I'll pass. Add to the fact it has a 3.5 on IMDb and a whopping 4% at RT...it's safe to say even if I see this movie on tv sometime in the future I'll change the channel.

2. Grown Ups 2 - As if a first horrible movie wasn't enough, here comes a horrible sequel! Wait didn't I just say that about Smurfs? Well ditto Grown Ups, but somehow I'm sure it's far more terrible....I mean Taylor Lautner is in it. Point made. Adam Sandler you've done it again. 3 Years in a row (at LEAST) where even the thought of seeing one of your movies gives me a humongous headache. But hey good for you in finding a cash cow of stability. I'm just sad that there are enough audiences that are willing to give you this career.

And the #1 most unwatchable film of 2013 is............

1. Movie 43 - I'll admit...I'm slightly intrigued by this supposed atrocity of a film. But only because I wonder how did so many stars agree to be in this movie??? Seriously everyone and their dog is listed on the credits and yet it too has a 4% (with only 3 positive total reviews to be found in its favor) and a 4.4 on IMDb. But then I saw a trailer for it once and quickly understood that I could never find the answer to why they all agreed....for it looked too terrible to stomach and a small part of my soul died a little. This movie looks just as horrible as everyone says it is. Stay far far away.

Seriously. Check out the full cast list on IMDb HERE and try and figure it out yourself! That's all for now, but keep an eye out for my Top Ten Worst of 2013 (the ones I actually WOULD sit through...) and hopefully eventually my Top Ten best. I'm shooting for February...but you never know if it winds up being May haha.


Sarah said...

How do so many terrible movies get made?!

Allison said...

I feel like you should give Keanu benefit of the doubt. His whole life from here on out will be trying to re-make The Matrix. He'll always fail, of course.