1.16.2013

The Top Ten Worst of 2012

Well now that I've told you what the worst movies last year were that I wouldn't see, now it's time to count down the ones that I DID actually suffer through, be it through rental, theater or dollar theater viewing. These might not be THE absolute worst the year had to offer....I mean after all THIS MOVIE exists...[I don't know that I've EVER seen a movie rated that low! haha truthfully, that probably should have topped the unwatchables list]. But ANYWAY, though there are undoubtedly worse, these ten are the worst that I personally saw last year.

10. Darling Companion - On IMDb the plot is listed simply as "The story of a woman who loves her dog more than her husband. And then her husband loses the dog." The premise intrigued me so much in a "this has gotta be awful" kind of way that I just had to see it. The film intrigued me even more because it was written and directed by Lawrence Kasdan, the scribe of Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back. On top of that it had a fantastic cast including Diane Keaton, Kevin Klein. Dianne Wiest and Richard Jenkins! How did so many talented people get in on this?!?! Their efforts definitely make the film more watchable than it really should be. I'm not saying the family drama wasn't interesting, but it is let down by a far too flimsy and ridiculous plot. And when they start following the orders of a dog psychic the film really lost me!

9. Dark Shadows - Original review found HERE. It absolutely pains me to put this on this list. I love Tim Burton dearly, and I very much wanted to adore this film....but it's a mess. Everyone in the film is better than this, which is why I feel like it was such a let down. Yes it had a few elements that made it stand out from other films; as with any other Burton film, it was definitely visually interesting...Problem here is that the sum wasn't more than its parts.

8. House at the End of the Street - Okay, I'll admit this movie is actually pretty entertaining in a kind of ridiculously fun way. The film is trying so hard to be like [SPOILER] the unwanted sibling of Psycho it's ridiculous... You know a movie has struck comedy gold when a character finds a box of tampons in the trash and it's meant to be a sinister moment. [/SPOILER] But, I must say I did jump a few times and the cast was actually trying here, unlike the other horror film on the list....


7. Playing for Keeps - truth be told this movie wasn't nearly as bad as I was hoping or expecting. It's not like it was an obnoxious film...just pretty bland/mediocre/uninspired....whatever you want to say. Plus you know, I always think it's classy when the main male protagonist sleeps with nearly every female in sight, and somehow is still a catch. To sum it up, the film is just silly. Sure you could probably do worse in the rom-com arena, but you can absolutely do better.

6. The Vow -  Original review found HERE. Even if this is based off of a true story, the Hollywood version of this plot is down right ridiculous. Sorry Rachel McAdams, you have no ones sympathy. You pretty much struck the best deal in the world (and this is coming from a non-Tatum fan) and live to complain about it. I find it hard to believe that any girl wouldn't be a little psyched at waking up in her situation. Yeah it would be a huge change but when you have Mr. Devoted with you it couldn't be all that bad. I do get that the film is trying to say that our life experiences make us who we are, but it says it in a very inelegant and predictable way (unlike say Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.) Plus the ending kinda sucked.

5. The Cold Light of Day - Henry Cavill is a beautiful beautiful man. In fact, he may be one of the most attractive men on the planet. But other than watching his face for an hour and a half, accompanied with the beautiful imagery of Spain, this film is a colossal waste of time....and I NEVER say that. This film was so unbelievably stupid. And while attractive, his character was essentially a bumbling idiot. How he survives the film, I will never know because his character has absolutely no instincts and on top of it is a horrible shot...but that doesn't stop some CIA member from giving him an invitation to join the agency in the end. Again this is puzzling since he wasn't even the one who saved the day! The film is full of implausibilities and is basically the epitome of generic for this genre. I don't even care about putting spoiler tags on this one, because honestly if you haven't seen it, please don't.

4. The Lucky One - Original review found HERE Nicholas Sparks you've done it again! [SPOILER] death by treehouse must have been one of your finest plot twists yet. I can just imagine how proud he must have been writing that! [/SPOILER] This film is awful and relies on nothing but Zac Efron's charm (which he admittedly has) and cliche after cliche (the real problem...among other things.) Sparks, you have nothing new or interesting to say. Please leave Hollywood. And has anyone noticed that Safe Haven looks like the exact same movie??

3. One For the Money - This movie was absolutely horrible. You know it's a bad thing when the most memorable part about the movie is Katherine Heigl's phony New Jersey accent (it reminded me of the flight of the conchords episode with the actor in the clip below. Big Eddie = Katherine Heigl) The plot is stupid, she has wasted chemistry with her co-stars.....the whole thing pretty much amounts to nothing. I remember watching Killers afterwards and thinking it seemed like a masterpiece in comparison....never a good thing.



2. The Apparition - This movie is horrific, and not in the way it was intending. Stupid, boring, insipid, lifeless, uninspired, cliche, routine....doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. The characters are so dull that no one cares of they live or die, Malfoy included. The film basically goes like this: plot contrivance, plot contrivance, formulaic scare, plot contrivance, formulaic scare SPOILER: everyone dies.[/SPOILER] THE END....without ever explaining a single dang thing. Why introduce all these plot threads and ideas and never explain their purpose? This film looks like a victim of very bad editing....but even so, there isn't a good movie to be found anywhere within this footage. Still...it might have gone a long way. Oh and as for the picture, I guess you should ALWAYS search the house in lingerie whenever you hear something scary. Might as well look sexy if you're gonna be attacked right? At least it wasn't very revealing haha.

And the #1 spot goes to.......



1. Battleship - Original review found HERE Oh what a painful viewing experience this was. Haha it was probably worse for other people named Ben, who had to sit through me and Courtney (and occasionally Amelia when she wasn't asleep..) complaining the whole way through...but really this film was absolutely awful. No personality or depth to a single character. The "action" sequences were headache inducing and the plot was just ridiculous. No question that this was the absolute worst film I saw last year. I think I pretty much died 10 minutes in....in fact, a little part of me died with that film...and I'm not sure I will ever get it back.

Well that's all folks! Do you agree? Which ones did you see that were the worst.

4 comments:

Johanna said...

You really have seen a lot of bad movies. I only saw one on this list and it's because Niel made me do it. I'm really very discriminating.

Now I have a whole bunch more not to see.

Emily said...

What?? I thought you were gonna watch Darling Companion!!

Unknown said...

Even though it made the ten worst list, AND I really, really believe you when you say that the movie is a mess - I am not going to remove Dark Shadows from my Netflix queue.
I can't help myself, any movie Johnny Depp and Tim Burton make, I am going to see. :)

Sarah said...

Ha ha! Entertaining post. I will make sure not to make any effort to see these movies.