The Top Ten Unwatchables of 2012

I had so much fun with my list from last year that I decided this has to become a yearly tradition! Since I'm nowhere near ready to give you a yearly best list, and not quiiiiiiite near ready to give you the yearly worst list (but hopefully that's later this week...), THESE movies I don't have to see to know they make the list....since the point of the list is me refusing to see them :) With that in mind, we'll go ahead and post the films from 2012 I would never go out of my way to watch....be it theater, dollar theater, redbox, netflix instant or even on tv. These movies I will avoid like the plague until my dying day. We'll start with #10!

10. John Carter - Okay truth be told, I actually WOULD watch this movie.....in a Wickerman way. The only problem is that no one will watch it with me! Okay actually this isn't true, my dad really wanted me to watch this awhile back and I just couldn't bring myself to. I'm not sure why I feel such a repulsion and yet fascination with it. I think the fact that it was probably one of the hugest flops of last year and that critics weren't too keen on it miiiiight have something to do with it. Then there's also the fact that after seeing it, my friends couldn't stop talking about how awful it really was. All of these factors contributing, something tells me I won't ever watch this one.

9. Big Miracle - Free Willy in Alaska, with Drew Barrymore? No thank you! And please don't tell me her love interest is John Krasinski....I don't know if I could buy that in any universe. Even with the inclusion of Krasinski I don't think I could go anywhere near this film. This movie looked like the epitome of borrrrrrrrrrrring. To be honest, I'm really not quite sure who this movie appealed to. I guess I'm heartless, but this really isn't the type of material I associate with compelling or meaningful filmmaking. But hey, whatever floats your boat.....just don't expect me to get on that boat.

8. Joyful Noise - This is another movie that I literally cannot fathom who would actually want to watch this. Who would willingly choose to spend their time watching a musical feud between Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah. Seriously. Who....and why?

7. A Thousand Words - It pretty much seems like a given nowadays that if you walk into an Eddie Murphy movie, disaster will be sure to follow. These family comedies he seems to be making nowadays are just awful. It's a shame it's come to this, but I basically now associate his name now with painfully unwatchable, stupid films.Speaking of actors who I associate terrible movies with, that brings me to the next two on the list...

6. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - I'll admit I never saw the first Ghost Rider, for the same reason I'm putting this one on this list: the ridiculousness of Nicolas Cage. But the fact that this has a 4.4 Rating on IMDb and a 17% Rotten Tomatoes score doesn't hurt either in labeling this as "unwatchable"  It/s hard enough seeing this goof ball in any action films anymore, let alone "superhero" ones.

5. Stolen - Taken 2 was close to making my list. But why include that when you've got Taken 2 AND Nicolas Cage combined?? All I needed to see was the poster for a good laugh at this film. [And the picture to the left....that is a REAL still...] It's like they weren't even trying to hide the plagiarism. "Oh let's do the plot of Taken, but let's have Nicolas Cage do it... he's up for anything. But what should we call it?" *Grabs a thesaurus and looks for a synonym of the word taken...* "I got it!!! Stolen!" I seriously think this was the thought process of some of the people involved in this film...

4. The Three Stooges - Okay you know it's a problem when Sean Hayes is your most marketable person in a film. Haha actually this film did have some bigger stars in the supporting cast including Sofia Vergara, Jennifer Hudson, Jane Lynch and....Kirby Heyborne? Wait what? The trailers all looked horrible and completely devoid of laughs. Some things were purely a product of their time and cannot be made modern. I feel like this is one of those cases. true I haven't actually seen it myself, but once again the critics and people of imdb have my back again.

3. That's My Boy - How does Adam Sandler follow up something like Jack & Jill? He makes a comedy inspired by the story of Mary Kay Letourneau....starring as a now adult man who, as a teen, fathered a child with his much older teacher. Classy. Did I say classy? The word I meant was trashy...and the trailer gave no indication of any better. I find Andy Samberg to be generally pretty likable....but I don't think even he could have tempted me to watch this.

2. Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 - It was a really hard decision not to have this one in the top spot, but I wanted this list to be different than last years.... But really, I don't know that I could ever watch this or any of the other films in this series. At this point I'll be honest, it's a blindly hating pride thing. because I'm sure some entertainment value could be derived from them (unlike the film below...) But it's always a proud moment when I say that I have not seen a single one, nor do I plan to. And now I'm just glad the series is over. Here's hoping it stays dead. And the number one most unwatchable movie of 2012 IS:

1. Madea's Witness Protection - So what could be more excruciatingly painful than Twilight? That is indeed the eternal question isn't it? Well the answer is this: I'm not sure if I would ever be able to survive a viewing experience of this or any Madea movie. WHAT.....I ask you, WHAT is the appeal of a black man dressing as an obese woman? (Or any man dressing as a fat woman for that matter?!) Because Tyler Perry, Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy can't seem to get enough of it. And apparently audiences are too....but seriously WHAT audience is craving this? I just can't understand it. Every time I see a trailer for one of these movies I cringe for almost a lifetime (yeah that's right, I'm STILL cringing...) Twilight ended, now when will these!?!?

And that's a wrap! Any I missed? Was I too harsh on the ten above? Let me know your opinions in the comments below! Hopefully I'll get to the Top Ten Worst of 2012 (that *I* personally saw) either Wednesday or Friday. Tootleloo!


Johanna said...

So, what do you think happened to Adam Sandler? Was the lukewarm success of "Spanglish" too much to handle? When he saw that he would not morph into success as a serious actor, as some comedians have before him, i.e. Jim Carry, Bill Murray) did he like spin off into the universe because he didn't make it through that thin opening into respectability?

Because as bad as his early movies were, these are so much worse. Oh, yeah. Kind of the same thing with Eddie Murphy (except some of his early movies were great). After serious attention in "Dreamgirls," he's been a no show. I must admit a soft spot for "Daddy Day Care." But I think it was really Steve Zahn that I liked. Where is he these days, anyway?

courtney wightman said...

i had no idea that was what "that's my boy" was about ... yuck. and that stolen still is PRICELESS!

Sarah said...

Yup...none of these look all that appealing to me. However, I have heard a few good things here and there about John Carter. Maybe it was just advertised really badly. I had no idea that the Adam Sandler movie had THAT plot! That's just terrible! That should be a no-brainer that you don't go into that territory for laughs!

Michelle said...

There is a Nicholas Cadge movie called Stolen!??!!?? I know what movie I am watching this weekend!

Emily said...

You'll have to let me know if he yells "How'd she get stolen??? How'd she get stolen? How'd she get STOLEN!?!?'

See what I did there?

Unknown said...

Well, I did see John Carter and it was kind of entertaining, and there is always the Utah scenery to admire.
I too, didn't want anything to do with Big Miracle. My thoughts exactly "Free Willy in Alaska". It was my sister who recorded it and, it was better than I thought it would be. The story was not so much about the whales, but all the characters involvement with them. Granted, there are some very cliche characters - Heartless oil tycoons, manic enviromentalists, wise Native Americans. But, it was kind of nice seeing everyone coming together to save the whales.
And Breaking Dawn is truly ROFL moments one right after the other. Great stuff. :D