11.26.2012

I want my money back!

Hello readers! So unfortunately I haven't gotten a chance yet to see Life of Pi or Hitchcock, but hopefully I'll get to see both as soon as possible. The year isn't quite over yet, but I would say that so far it's been a pretty solid movie year with many wonderful experiences at the theater....experiences quite unlike the list you are about to read. Sometime last week, I had a very long conversation with my brother Nephi after he roped me into going to see The Bourne Legacy. He secretly thought the film was terrible and decided to trick me into seeing it by hailing it as one of the best films of the summer. I knew it wasn't, but decided to humor him since he claimed our friendship was on the line if I didn't see it. After the film, which was kinda silly and pretty generic....but by no means the worst thing I ever paid money to see, we discussed which films WERE the worst ones I ever witnessed in a theater.  Mind you....not the worst films I've seen period, or the worst movies ever made (I usually try very hard to avoid those).... THESE are the worst films that for some reason or another, I (or someone I was with) actually paid to see. Seeing as I've never seen a Twilight film I was unable to put them on the list (or such assuredly terrible titles like Battlefield Earth, Catwoman, etc.), or also my REAL number one will be absent from this list because I don't like to acknowledge it as real filmmaking (cough...The Home Teachers...cough) So with that, I present to you:

 My Top Ten Worst Movies I've Ever Seen In Theaters.

Head towards the liiiiight...you'll be better off than watching this.

10. The Fountain

I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this from my film friends who adore it, but this movie was awful.....and a chore to sit through in the theater. Now, I can appreciate really abstract films (see Melancholia) but this was just ridiculous. One minute someone is a tree, the next minute someone is floating through space....then we're back to the present, and then Hugh Jackman is being surrounded by leaves that may or may not be eating him alive... Sincerest apologies to my dear friends that love it, but its conclusion was laughable. When symbolism overtakes reason in a film it's just a bad recipe, and hard for me to take it seriously anymore....because it seems so abstract that no one even involved with the making of it really knows what the heck it's trying to say. It's all just a wonderful puzzle for the viewer that will take another viewing to figure out! I'll pass. I loved Aronofsky's film Black Swan, but I can't see the genius in the film at all...I only see the stupid.


9. The Haunting

This of course isn't my first mention of my hatred for this film on my blog....but let me once again reiterate how awful it truly is (especially considering how great the original is.) Featuring one of the most random casts you can think of, (seriously Liam Neeson, Owen Wilson and Catherine Zeta-Jones in a movie together?) the film goes from standard formula to unintentional comedy in no time. I remember vividly losing it in the theater, dying of laughter with the over abundance of horrible (and now very dated) CGI. Don't get me wrong, there was definitely a lot of competition to get on the list from other horrible films in the horror genre, but this one was the most laughable of all.

Hugh, this makes two.

8. Van Helsing.

Speaking of bad CGI and films being laughably bad, this brings us to Van Helsing. I believe I only saw it the one time in theaters, so my memory is pretty hazy of the whole thing...other than skanky vampire chicks and preposterous action sequences. But I do remember one thing vividly: a certain character biting the dust and later becoming a Mufasa in the sky, if you will. That's right you heard me. You know a movie is bad when you think to yourself "Is this really happening?? Am I ACTUALLY seeing this???" Sometimes walking out of a theater in utter disbelief is a good thing....but not in this case.

Nice try guys, but Megan Fox's shirt only makes the movie more tolerable for half of the audience.

7. Transformers 2

Watching Transformers 2 was like paying for a 2 and a half hour headache. This is the epitome of a dumb action film that tried very little to produce anything close to a rational thought. You know you got your money's worth when you get to see a little mini transformer trying to get it on with Megan Fox's leg. (Please note the sarcasm..) From the dialogue, to the actors and the action sequences, Transformers 2 is as shallow as they come....and I remember sitting in the theater thinking about everything else under the sun except the movie, since it constantly failed to engage.

Your father's "lightsaber," he wanted you to have it when you were old enough.

6. Eragon

The story of Star Wars set in a Lord of the Rings-esque setting can't go wrong...right? Well when it's pretty much straight up plagiarism it can....and charmless plagiarism at that. This movie is such a blatant ripoff it's pretty much ridiculous. Luke, Leia, Han, Obi-wan--- you name it, their equivalent is in this movie and played by a nameless D-list actor you've never seen again. Even down to the scene of Luke staring off into the sunset of his Uncle's farm was stolen! The film was shameless, but also mind-numbingly dumb! For more evidence of the theft do a quick youtube search and the results are kind of appalling. 


5. Hidalgo

Another film I admit to remembering little about other than being SEVERELY bored. This time I was so bored I was LITERALLY counting the ceiling tiles of the theater in order to entertain myself...I kid you not. Also did I mention how it's a film about horses? Easily my least favorite subject ever to be filmed...

How'd it get burned???

4. Wicker Man.

This film definitely gets points for being one of the more entertaining films on this list, but definitely not in the way that was intended. This film is soooooo bad it's hilarious. I think I laughed more in this film than in most comedies that are released nowadays. Like in Van Helsing, I had a similar "Is this really happening moment.." as Nicolas cage punched 2 women in the face, and kicked one in the stomach near the end of the film. Oh...and one of those gloriously awful punches was while the man was wearing a BEAR SUIT. You can't make this stuff up...


3. All About Steve

This is definitely a film that slowly killed me inside as I watched it. The whole time I kept wondering why and how this film was made. It was truly a painful experience that forced me to ponder unwillingly upon my own mortality and the fleeting preciousness of the moments we have been given in life...and not to spend them watching garbage like this. Okay that may have been a little dramatic but this film is an insult to the genre. It is NOT romantic, nor is it a comedy.... it is awfulness personified and I have never been able to respect Sandra since.


2. Batman & Robin

I'll be honest, I don't remember much about my actual theater experience with this one....but in re-watches (yes....for SOME reason on earth I re-watched it....be it on t.v. or what I do not know) I can say that this film is very deserving of being on this list. It is the prime example of a campy superhero movie at its worst and definitely rock bottom for the Batman brand. But hey...at least because of it we got the Nolan reboot that is quite fabulous. So at least the horribleness of having Uma Thurman and Arnold etched in the brain as laughable villains did serve a purpose after all.


1. Little Nicky

Unlike this film, which served no purpose ever.... other than to identify the precise turning point of Adam Sandler films to mostly being absolute garbage. I can't begin to tell you how awful this film is. Really. I can't. It's taken me years to recover really, and I've tried to erase as much of it as possible from my brain. But some haunting images remain...I shudder to even think of them. So honestly, please don't ask me to elaborate because it's too painful to even try and recall. All I can say is TRUST me, this is the worst movie that I have personally seen in theaters. But what are yours? 

12 comments:

Michelle said...

THANK YOU for adding Fountain to your list. THAT movie STILL haunts me. I feel like a part of my soul was stolen and I can't get it back after watching it. It was the worst.
I actually like Hidalgo - but that is probably because I like Viggo.
WICKER MAN also fully deserves to make this list - but I have to admit, I have watched it more than once for pure comedic purposes.
How'd it get burned!??? How'd it get burned!!!!! How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned?!!!!!!!!!???? hahahahahah!

Emily said...

Haha! I'm glad you agree about the Fountain. And I knew you'd appreciate Wicker Man along with the pic and caption I chose. That movie is gold.

Sarah said...

I have seen some pretty bad movies in the theater with Dad. The one that sticks out the most vividly in my mind is Witless Protection starring Larry the Cable Guy. That movie was AWFUL. What made it worse, is that the whole time, Dad and Jeremiah were laughing because of how uncomfortable it made me. Check it out on IMDB. It has a 2.9 rating. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001562/

Emily said...

I knew you would mention that one. Thankfully I never saw it, otherwise I'm sure it'd be on the list.

Laurie & Clint said...

I can't imagine Dad, Sarah and Jeremiah all going to the movies together. I'm glad you added the Haunting, but what about Lord of the rings? I was TRYING to fall asleep in that one.

Johanna said...

Laurie will catch flak for that one. I've seen some pretty stupid movies with Dad. But Niel dragged me to this one not long ago that had Kelsey Graham giving civics lessons on why the Republicans should be in power. I seem to remember him dressed as George Washington, but I'm not sure. Okay, I went to IMDB. He was in a movie called An American Carol and he played Patton. Not sure where I got the George Washington idea. It scored 4.3, so I can't imagine how horrible the 2.9 would be, because this was BAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD.

courtney wightman said...

those transformer (at least the last two) movies ... horrible. but i kind of have a love/hate relationship with wicker man :)

Amelia said...

Haha it's funny to see a list where I'm happy I haven't seen a lot of them! Especially Hidalgo (horse movies!). I did see Transformers 2 but I strangely remember nothing from it... defense mechanism??

psychokitty5238 said...

I totally agree with the Fountain. It was a waste of two hours of my life! You should have added all of the Twilight movies, they should have been 1-5 worst EVER

Howard said...

Emily, I couldn't get into Facebook the other day, and couldn't exactly remember your web address, so I Googled "movies and mayhem" so I could comment on your 25 days of Christmas Movies series. I found what I was looking for, but I also found a link to a KSL video of you being rewarded with their "Blog of the Week".

Awesome! Congratulations!

Unknown said...

But, but... Hugh Jackman and Viggo Mortensen were really, really nice to look at in both those movies. Well worth at least a dollar movie viewing. ;)

Sarah said...

Don't forget Joe Somebody! That movie felt much, much longer than it actually was.